If you are looking for a typical, mindless, action-packed, Hollywood, mockery of James Bond 007 films, then you are in for a treat with “Kingsman: The Secret Service.” The gratuitous non-stop violence I usually crave in movies, couldn’t even save my low opinion of this film.

Somehow, Matthew Vaughn manages to botch a high-budget, all-star cast, comedy/adventure. How can you direct a movie as quality as “Kick-Ass,” then fail so epically at this? I wanted to leave after the first 20 minutes, but my sisters and I were already invested. They wanted to know how it would end (even though I already predictively told them: the “good-guys” win; “bad-guys” lose).

Even the opening credits were terrible. Explosions that turn into letters may have dazzled audiences back in the day, but with computer graphics being what they are, and Fox Searchlight’s absurd budget, I was already disappointed.

Why are the villains my favorite characters? Samuel L. Jackson is hilarious with his lisp and loud outfits. I dare you not to laugh every time he walks on scene. His accomplice, Gazelle, is the coolest female character I’ve seen since “Kill Bill.” She is the definition of handicap-able. With metal knives for feet, a killer body, ninja skills, the flexibility of a gymnast, and to top it off, a ruthless mentality and allegiance (even though she has no legs below the knee). I wanted to know more about this sultry devil-woman. I wish Quentin Tarentino would make a spin-off movie that is just the story of Gazelle.

I don’t have the time or the energy to go into detail about everything that is horribly wrong with this movie, but here are a few of things I especially didn’t enjoy.
The fight scenes are too fast and ridiculous. The plot was predictable and filled with clichés. The protagonist hero comes from a broken home. Standard antagonist males travel in a pack and bully the main character. Add an abusive step-dad, a distracted mom, and some old British guys, and you have a predictable, yet disappointing movie.
Of all the ridiculous stunts, insane kills and bizarre scenarios, the most unbelievable part is where a billionaire serves McDonald’s to his guest (that would just never happen). I get all the crazy action sequences, and the fact that they live in the “movie-world” where crazy things can happen, but I’m calling BS on that.

Kingsman is the longest, worst commercial I have ever seen. The product placement is tasteless and doesn’t even fit the plot. How did this mildly entertaining dreck quadruple the opening weekend ticket sales of Selma? Which, just happens to be a powerful, moving story with a dynamic script and a pulse for heartache; an emotional rollercoaster that made me proud to be an American. If anyone has seen the movie “Idiocracy,” (highly recommended by the way), this movie makes me think of what the world may be coming too: a bunch of morons overpopulating earth.