The end of a relationship triggers a range of emotions, and you may not feel in control. How do you deal with the pain caused by a relationship ending? There are positive and negative ways to manage the pain.

First, let yourself mourn. The end of a relationship can feel as painful as the death of a loved one. However, because it is viewed as a less severe loss, we sometimes don’t allow ourselves the emotional leeway we do with more tragic events. Let yourself feel the loss. Express your emotions and release the pain. Do not deny what has happened or dismiss it as unimportant. If your relationship was unimportant, you wouldn’t need this advice. Mourn; you have lost someone important to you.

Coping mechanisms allow us to express ourselves and heal from emotional trauma. They are a necessary part of the process, but they can also lead to negative habits, cycles from which some people never recover. Some people isolate themselves, and others prefer to get drunk. The important distinction is not what you do, but what it does for, and, to you.

Pay attention to how you feel before and after you do something that you think will help. Did the slice of cake actually make you feel better? Do you get more depressed, or less, after spending those hours alone playing “Call of Duty?” Some actions we consider coping mechanisms are traps; they are emotional addictions that can ruin our lives. Others are in fact, exactly the medicine we need. The only way to determine the right solution for yourself is to pay attention to how your actions affect your mood. There are no universally right answers.

There are, however, some universally wrong answers. Do not harm yourself. This doesn’t just mean suicide or physical wounds. Gorging on food or speeding recklessly can be just as harmful. Be careful; moderation and common sense are the keys.

Finally, once you are done mourning and have allowed yourself time to heal, get back out there. Remember, you are not limited to one perfect match. Thousands of suitable mates are looking for love. Go find one or two.