As the old adage goes, asking for forgiveness is easier than asking for permission, but that’s an irresponsible attitude to take with most situations. In regards to sexual contact, it’s downright criminal.

A sexual assault happens every two minutes in the United States, and those stats aren’t declining. Obtaining consent, however, can protect people from crimes of sexual assault.

Much of the conversation about rape and sexual assault hovers around victim blaming, and what victims could have done to prevent themselves from being raped. But that attitude shields the culprits themselves, and keeps people from coming forward.

We need to change the way we teach people to talk about sex. About wanting sex, having sex, and not wanting sex. How do you gauge interest? When is the right time to make the first move? How do you communicate desire and how do you say things are going too far? What really is consent?

Youtube sex educator Lacy Green says, “Good consent is basically just checking in. It’s paying attention to someone’s body language. Keeping the lines of communication open.”

Let’s set a scene: The date has gone well. After an evening of conversation and attraction, the night has landed you in their living room. The touch-barrier remains unbroken, but you’re more aware of their hands across the table than you are of your own. Conversation moves on, but you’re thinking that their lips should cease to sound. Where to go from here?

“Can I kiss you?” you ask. Slightly taken aback, but with a grateful smile they respond, “Yes, please.”

Does the question seem corny or unnecessary? Maybe unconscious signals should be enough, but ambiguity and assumptions can quickly take a pleasurable, consensual connection and turn it into a regrettable experience.

Consent is sexy. Abuse is not.

Obtaining permission to act on desires in an unambiguous manner is also known as seeking. Seeking includes being completely clear of expectations and desires, asking permission to engage in specific, named sexual behavior, and asking permission to progress to new, different, or higher levels of intimacy.

Seeking does not include assuming that consenting to one kind of activity means consenting to all types. It also doesn’t carry over from encounter to encounter; previous sexual activity does not mean consent for future activity.

Consent also includes being aware of the potential outcomes of activity and each partner remaining open and respectful to the other agreement/disagreement with continuing activity. Consent should also be constant throughout the entire interaction.

If you get consent before contact, you can’t go wrong. Verbally expressing consent leaves the least room for miscommunication, but consent can also be expressed non-verbally by nodding, taking action to continue with activities, or removing clothing. If you feel as if you do not have clear consent of your partner, stop what you’re doing and ask how they are doing. A lack of a clear “no” does not mean “yes.”

Consent does not mean wearing someone down after they’ve already said no. It also doesn’t mean using guilt, shaming, or authority to get someone to say yes.

People should also know how to say “no” when they don’t want to consent. If someone is making you feel uncomfortable, say something as quickly and as clearly as possible.

“Please stop.”

“That doesn’t feel good.”

“I’m uncomfortable.”

All of these should all be clear signs to your partner that the current activity needs to cease. If your partner refuses to respect your wishes, get away from them as soon as possible and report criminal activity to police, a school counselor, or a friend. If you have been violated, it is not your fault. Unfortunately, 97 percent of rapists will never spend time in jail. Telling someone your story is the first step to justice.

When interviewed about their crimes, rapists often feel as though they were taking something they deserved, but sex should always be a mutual agreement.

“Sex is never something that is owed to someone.” Green said.

It doesn’t matter if you shagged them yesterday, if they baked you cookies, or if they’re really horny. Sex is something that happens between people, but it’s often spoken to as being done to someone. Empowering communication from both parties creates a mutually enjoyable experience.

This policy extends to anywhere that unrequested physical contact could come into play. In a dance club for example, it is harassment to approach someone without permission or warning and begin to grind your genitals on them. If this is you, please stop. Ask people if they want to dance and you may just get a sexy squeeze instead of a cold shoulder. I send a patented combo of icy glare, aggressive elbowing, and “NO THANK YOU” to those who inappropriately breach the bubble.

Consent before contact isn’t just catchy, it’s mandatory.

Sex is a gift to be shared; you must just know how to ask for it.