In my recovery process I have altered my concept of “God” numerous times, yet never felt as if I were abandoning any previous concept. I am always changing, therefore, my ideas and beliefs are always changing.

However, the feeling I get from knowing such a power exists in my life is absolute. The only part of this that has ever really changed is the persona that I associate to my higher power.

I used to hold faith in the popular image of God, he who sits up high, watching over all. But now, I have given my will over to a much more personal sense of intuition, the voice that rests inside, guiding me through each day. I have adopted a somewhat literary view of a higher power as that of an author, one who is dictating to the line of plot in the story that is my life.

This would not mean that I have no creative control. It merely suggests that I do not have the final say over the editorial processes.

Most recently, I have come to the understanding that God, like a blowing wind, is neither good nor bad, and is nothing more than the motivating force that urges me to head in the right direction. This force can be destructive, but it is without conscience, and bars no will for me; neither good, nor bad. It gives me everything I need to function in the changing world, and for that, I am very grateful. For while I have the tools, I know that I can only do so much.

This, I believe, is the most important thing in establishing a sense of higher power – recognizing that it is not me who has ultimate control over my life. Admittedly, this thought is a little unsettling, at first, but once I was able to see and accept that having total control was not something I was ever really good at, I no longer wanted the job anyway.

I put a lot of stock in knowing that there is a plan.

The real challenge is in getting comfortable not knowing exactly what that plan might be, and moving through my day without the knowledge of how it will work out.

I can now carry a sense of calm with me because I have faith in myself. I have faith that doing the next right thing, no matter how difficult, may not only keep me out of trouble but also give me a better sense of my surroundings and purpose in life.

There really is no way of telling where emotions come from, how far they will take you, and whom else they will harm along the way.

When an addict comes into recovery, they are cold and brittle. They want warmth, but they may not know how to handle that, and making poor decisions can often be fatal; a little warmth can easily become an inferno, that is no exaggeration.

A relationship may end your life, and it certainly may not. But what if it were the saving grace that helped you establish a foundation of accountability and strength?

In our next issue, I will divulge my own personal account of relationships in early recovery, and you will learn what may or may not work.